26 Jul

I am struggling.

Why is that so hard to say?

Is it because I feel that, as a Christian woman, I should have it all together?  I should just trust that everything will work out?  I should be content where I’m at?

Everything I ever could have wanted for my personal life has worked out.  I am married to a wonderful man who loves me even when I don’t deserve it.  I belong to a church family that is authentic and genuinely on fire for God.  I have great friends who support and encourage me.

But my professional life?  That’s where things just aren’t happening.

In college, as a liberal arts (English) major, I was always asked “What are you going to do with that?”  I always kind of snickered and said, “Just wait and see!”  Well, as it turns out, the joke is on me, because really, what am I going to do with that? 

And this is the ridiculous part.  It’s not that there are no jobs out there.  Maybe a year ago, that was the case.  And I have a job now.  I just wish that it was more in line with what I studied in school.  But here’s the truly perplexing thing about all of this: there are many paths I could take, and I just don’t know which to follow.  It’s not that I haven’t thought about it.  Anyone who knows me knows that I obsess over this sort of thing…it’s just that I can’t seem to find the answer myself.

Here are my choices:

1)      Teaching – It seems the most logical, since I have a master’s in English.  I keep telling myself it wouldn’t be that difficult to go on for my doctorate.  But then the real world slams the door in my face; I have no teaching experience, and I need to have a full time job to pay my bills.  And of course there’s the ever-present psych out, that there’s no way I could be a great teacher.

2)      Library Work – I worked for over six years in a library I loved.  Various positions, but I fell in love with the atmosphere and the idea of helping others locate the materials they need for their research and school work.  Problem: Don’t have a Master’s in Library Science.  In order to get one, I’d probably have to take a huge pay cut and get a part time job while pursuing the degree.  The other issue?  Do I really want to pursue library work, or did I love it simply because I loved the library I worked in for all of those years?

3)      Publishing – For a long time, I’ve felt that this is where I most want to be.  Writing, editing, being involved in book or magazine publishing.  But I keep hitting road blocks.  I don’t have enough professional experience (despite the fact that I’ve edited/written a variety of publications for the last six to seven years of my life).  Maybe I just don’t know the right people.  But either way, I just can’t seem to break through.

I want to be clear about something.  I know that I am blessed to have a job, to be where I’m at.  But it’s hard to explain…that feeling of just wanting a purpose.  Knowing that the work you do every day really means something.  I know that may seem ridiculous.  I should just be content where I’m at.  And to an extent, I am.  But just like every human being on this planet, I long for meaning.  I yearn for a sense of purpose.  I know that God wants to do things.  But I’m just frustrated with the wait.

Does anybody out there know what I mean?


5 Responses to “Yearning”

  1. SnoWhite July 26, 2010 at 5:06 pm #

    I hear you, friend. Let me encourage you — look into grad programs, if you are interested in pursuing your doctorate degree. At least in science… you can get your degree paid for by working as a teaching assistant. Would you want to teach college students or K-12 students?

  2. Jenny July 26, 2010 at 5:06 pm #

    What every path you decide to go down career wise I pray that you find happiness and success 🙂

  3. Rachel @ The Cupcake Sprinkles In Life July 27, 2010 at 12:27 am #

    I pray that you'll find direction- best wishes!

  4. Karen Wanamaker July 29, 2010 at 10:18 am #

    I felt this way before I got my job as a librarian. I tried teaching only to find that I was pretty frustrated with the bureaucracy crap. Then I got sick and almost died. That gave me a little perspective that life is short – I had to TRY something else. I went to grad school and still didn't know if I was really going to like being a librarian. I was lucky that I was able to put "life" on hold for one year to get the degree…and luckier to find a job that I actually liked. I'll help you out however I can. There is no "right" answer. Life is a continuum…not a destination. *HUG*

  5. Jill August 2, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

    I know exactly how u feel! I have my B.A. in English Lit. I had 2 internships at newspapers I loved and I thought I'd be a journalist once I graduated. Well – 2 plus years later and I'm still stuck in a full time job I don't like…but like u said, I'm trying to be grateful I even have a job. Many of my friends are teachers (and were eng. majors) but I don't feel like that's for me. It's hard to know what our purpose is. I'm still waiting for God to tell me and trying to keep my eyes open along the way. Good luck! Blogging helps keep me writing, I'm sure it does the same for u. 😀

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