Letting go…

18 May

Tomorrow is May 19th. To some, that may not mean anything. To me…it was the day I was supposed to be married.

I thought I had found it. I thought that the search for the person I was supposed to spend my life with was finally over. I had the love and companionship of a person that I loved with all of my heart, and my dreams were coming true. But I lost parts of myself along the way; I compromised, and so did he. We tried to change each other, and in the end, it tore us apart. After a lot of prayers and tears, I gave him back the ring, and he broke up with me completely.

Since then, I’ve gone through the expected roller coaster of emotions that accompanies this kind of life change. At first, I was heartbroken. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I felt as though my heart had been smashed into a million pieces. Some days I still find myself wishing that things would have turned out differently, and that something more positive would have resulted from the relationship.

It hurt. I won’t lie. Sometimes, when I stop to think about it long enough, it still hurts. He’s not in my life anymore, and in looking at where we are (or aren’t) now, the time we spent together feels like such a waste.

But over time, I’ve realized, none of this was a waste. As much as I have questioned and wondered where all of this will lead, my heart has begun to heal. I’ve found that I’m worth so much more than I ever realized. I no longer blame him for everything that’s happened; I recognize my own mistakes and though I regret them, I know that they led me to place I’m in now.

So where is that exactly, you might ask. Where am I now?

I am in a place where I have had to confront myself. I have identified poor relationship patterns that have led to the disintegration of the few past relationships I’ve had. I’ve recognized the importance of truly knowing a person as a good friend before the pursuit of a more intimate relationship. I’ve figured out what I want in a person, and most importantly, more than ever, I know who I am. I know who I want to be, in life and in love.

For months now I’ve avoided looking at all the things I purchased for my almost wedding. It was too painful, it brought forth too many emotions. But after some prayer time, I realized that I needed to confront my issues, and get rid of things that were weighing me down. So this week, I started getting rid of some of those things. I started letting go.

Letting go is so much more than throwing away bridal magazines or returning silk flowers. It’s surrendering my dreams for a time. Learning to let go of what I had in favor of finding about more about myself, and discovering what God has for me. I am not pursuing anybody. I long to be pursued; I know that God will make it happen when the time is right.

God is so good to me; He’s given me other things in which I can focus my energy. I have made some amazing friends in the past couple of months, and have reconnected with old friends. I am surrounded by family that has helped to support and guide me during this difficult time. I recently graduated from college, and am looking to pursue a Master’s degree in Literature. A lot is happening, and despite the changes, I am thankful. I am thankful that God has led me here. The road has been long, and at times, I’ve lost my way. But in His hands, I feel at peace.

Now, I am trusting that God’s plan for me is better than the one I had for myself. I believe that, and I will live in that hope.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” – Semisonic, Closing Time


One Response to “Letting go…”

  1. adventurefilms June 10, 2007 at 9:45 am #

    I have so been in your shoes, except I was the “guy”, last month was when I was going to propose, perhaps we could share with each other at one time, the closure stuff hasn’t really happened yet, so I would love a womans perspective on a few things, but i’ll understand if not.


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